We spoke of the not knowing. Not assuming too much. Not offering enough grace and I was reminded of the weight of shame pressing hard against my chest as I shuffled my feet toward the front of the line–my head dipping low as my son’s face shone cherry red. Spittle sprayed across my face as he roared, “I. Want. Dat. Candy.”
“No, You may not have candy when you misbehave.” I spoke calmly, but my heart withered as I noticed the pinched faces of those around me. I’d seen looks of disapproval before.
Positioned like eggs in a carton, my son and I were wedged between customers in the grocery queue with a full cart. Often unpredictable, the outbursts could be painful. Embarrassing. He seemed out of control, and I longed to protect him from those who thought they could do better. Knew better. People like the man at the park.
“Did you see that naughty little boy?” the man said, his gray brows drawn together in a straight line. He shot a meaningful glance our direction as my son burrowed into my arms–worn thin from a playground melt-down. My mama’s heart rebelled at the insult. I longed to defend my child—this small one who appeared as typical as any other preschooler. Unkind words rose sharp in my throat, but “love others as yourself” reprimanded my conscience and they remained unspoken.
Two Important Lessons I Learned in the Grocery Store and on the Playground
Those moments defined the next several years. I learned two important lessons about life in the grocery store and playground.
1. Don’t assume that I understand the hidden struggle or pain that belongs to someone else. 2. Don’t assume I could navigate the situation any better.
Mental illness, hardship, and pain visit even the young.
Like most of us, the disciples fell into the trap of assumption. John 9:1-2 reads, “As he [Jesus] went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?”
Like most of us, the disciples fell into the trap of assumption. #assumption #givegrace Click To TweetIn that culture and during the time of Christ, people often blamed the victim for their circumstances. Of course, our ‘evolved’ society may not be much different. The idea of ‘karma’ even permeates Christian thought. Jesus, though, refutes such claims. His response to the disciples? “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. (John 9:3)
Perhaps your suffering or that of a loved one has to do with bringing God glory or producing endurance (James 1:3). Maybe we won’t know the reason for our heartache this side of heaven, but we can learn to love others with tenderness and grace through their wilderness seasons. Even in the grocery aisle.
Especially when little boys struggle with mental illness.
A Prayer if Your Child is Struggling with Mental Illness
Dear Lord,
I am heartbroken. My child is hurting, and I can’t fix it. Nothing I say or do seems to ease the pain, Father, and I am turning to you in my helplessness. Father, when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:10) Please give me discernment as I minister to this precious child. Give me the ability to speak words of love in my frustration, the ability to see beyond the mental illness to the soul of the beautiful child you have created, and the opportunity to build a support network for my son/daughter and myself. I trust that “you have plans to prosper” ________’s life. I thank you for him/her.
In the powerful name of Jesus,
Amen.
My child is hurting, and I can't fix it. #Mentalillness#childrenandmentalilness Click To Tweet
Peace and grace,
Tammy
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Tammy thank you for sharing this blessed message. I appreciate your words here. Blessings.
Thank you for visiting. Have a great weekend!
Blessings,
Tammy
I try to be an advocate for those impacted by mental illness because I think we especially need this in Christian circles, but I rarely think about it as far as kids go. Thank you so much for sharing your story and enlightening me!
Tammy, this is beautiful. Having been on the receiving end of snide comments and pointed stares, my heart empathizes with you. I so appreciate your heart and your insight to remember that we never truly know what’s going on behind-the-scenes of a tense situation between a parent and a child. Wise words, friend!
Hi Jeanne,
It takes practice to hold one’s tongue, but character to learn to empathize. I hope I am developing the latter as I grow older.
Blessings to you,
Tammy
Tammy, Such beautiful words that pierce my heart. I too have received snide remarks that hurt to the core. Thank you for sharing. Maree
Hi, Maree.
I don’t know if there is quite any pain that cuts as deep as that of a parent hurting for her child.
Peace and grace,
Tammy
This is such an important message, Tammy. May we learn to stop judging other people when we have no clue what is going on behind the scenes. It can do such damage. Thank you for sharing this!
I’m going to feature your post on my blog at our linkup tomorrow, Tammy!
Thank you, Lisa! I know many have travelled a similar path.
Blessings,
Tammy
Hi, Lisa.
That is one gift mental illness in the family has given me. I’m reminded of the verse, “bear with one another in love”.
Blessings,
Tammy
I very much relate to your experiences, Tammy. And I know God has used my own experiences of being judged to teach me to freely give grace to others. Thanks for sharing!
Hi, Annie.
I’ve learned valuable lessons from being judged, as well. I pray my heart is tender toward others.
Blessings,
Tammy
Such an important message, Tammy. Most of us have likely been on the receiving end of being judged by others as inadequate parents. It is also likely that, at some point, we’ve probably judged others the same way. Thank you for sharing this reminder that all parents experience feelings of inadequacy at times and we need to offer prayers, not judgment.
Hi, Katherine.
I agree. I’ve wondered at my own inadequacy many times. I’m grateful God parents perfectly and offers unmatched grace. He is an incredible model!
Blessings,
Tammy
The work of God in your life led you to handle those clueless comments with grace and dignity. God bless you for the example you model.
Your assumptions are wise words of warning, Tammy. And I appreciate this encouragement, “We can learn to love others with tenderness and grace through their wilderness seasons.”
Dear Tammy, I hear your heart. I know of what you speak. Please know you’re not alone. May God give you peace and energy and joy as you continue to do life with your little boy.
Hugs.
Tammy, my six-year old granddaughter has Sensory Processing Disorder. As a result she is developmentally delayed in the area of self-regulation. Often she has melt-downs in pubic places. When someone gives her a sugary treat (usually at church) she loses all control and misbehaves. She is all over the place, talking uncontrollably and loudly. For the most part our congregants care and they try to overlook her challenging behavior. But at times, my daughter feels the disgust and sees the disparaging looks. I hate that for her. Few stop to ask questions. Stop to encourage. Stop to share their own lived experience with challenging behaviors. I love this blog post. It’s necessary. There is a cause to every behavior. Children and adults. Some known, some not yet discovered. Ours is to issue grace, a kind and caring smile and a gentle “this too shall pass”.
Hi Calvonia,
I feel for your daughter and granddaughter. Melt-downs are exhausting for both parent and child. This is beautiful…”Ours is to issue grace, a kind and caring smile and a gentle “this too shall pass”.”
Blessings,
Tammy
I thought of John 9:1-4 while reading your story. My Revised English Bible (a loose translation but the first one I read) has “9:3 … he was born blind so that God’s power might be displayed in curing him.” Meeting an ill or upset child is an opportunity for us to glorify God by curing or comforting the child. Those “Pharisees” are always with us; I have been one of them. Once, an upset child accidentally caught my eye, instantly stopped crying and looked in wonder — maybe I looked funny? — since then I have always been on the side of the upset child. As a sinner I have felt that scorn from the proud — “We have had more than enough of contempt” (Ps 123:3)
I have thought about this verse many times in my son’s situation. God’s ways are beyond my understanding, but He deserves all the glory!
Peace and grace,
Tammy
I so get this. We have had our share of mental illness in my family. It’s not something you can easily talk about without shame. I’m so glad God has intervened in our situation.
Hi Julie,
Shame is a significant part of the story, isn’t it? I’m hopeful that sharing about mental illness will reduce the stigma.
Peace and grace,
Tammy
I’ve seen those kids in the aisle. Crying inconsolably. Screaming at the top of their lungs. Having a meltdown by the candy aisle. And I have been guilty of the thought, “they need …”
But to be honest, most of the time I think “must be nap time” or “why do they have their kids out so late?” Or I fight the urge to go console the child myself. 😳 But praying for them is a much better idea. ☺️Thanks for sharing.
Hi Cindra.
Before my son struggled, I thought “they need”, as well. I think it’s natural. I hope I’ve learned from his hurt.
Thanks for visiting!
Blessings,
Tammy