“I am by nature a people pleaser, which means that by nature I’m a coward.” –Pastor Mark Bates
Those words resounded with me. How many times in my relationships had I been “diplomatic” in order to avoid disappointing someone? Or, even worse, appeared to agree with that person, but instead proceeded to erect a DMZ (Demilitarized Zone for those of you who are non-military wives)?
What is a DMZ? Let me illustrate. Imagine I am South Korea. Dave, my dear husband, is North Korea (for demonstration purposes only). We’ve been at war with one another–although we can’t seem to remember why or even how it all began. Now, though, we’ve decided to declare a tenuous peace. We’re tired, bear noticeable war wounds, and need to regroup. An agreement is drawn and, with distrust in our eyes, we draw lines in the sand. If neither of us crosses this line, we’ll be just fine. Peace has been made. Really? Have North and South Korea found that to be true?
Of course not. Peace in the home is not the absence of conflict, but the presence of humility. As Matthew 5:3 reminds us, “Blessed are the poor in spirit.” Another version puts it plainly, “Great blessings belong to those who are humble.” I don’t know about you, but humility in the marriage relationship can be tough. What if he’s the one was wrong in the first place–or, if I was just a little bit in the wrong? Shouldn’t he apologize first; ask forgiveness first? Maybe–maybe not. But am I more concerned with who crossed the DMZ first or do I desire to be reconciled in my relationship with the one I call husband?
I tell you honestly that making peace after even after an imagined insult is one of my greatest areas of struggle in marriage. Could it be a challenge for everyone? I would guess that it is–after all, don’t we all enjoy being “right”? Most of the time, though, being right is far less important than acting in love.
3 Tactical Pointers to Help Disarm the DMZ–and Declare Peace
- Relinquish your “rights” and admit your “wrongs”
- Make the first move
- “Do it badly if you must. It’s worse not to do anything at all!” –Pastor Mark Bates
What works best for you to diffuse tension? How have you learned humility in your marriage?