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Posts Tagged ‘parenting humor’

My Son Connor Goes Cliff Jumping

Teen Tip #1To Attain Optimal Growth

Drink a huge glass of milk (read pint) before bed.  Now stretch.  Results noticeable by morning.

Possible application for middle-aged moms?  Follow the above procedure.  It may work on that little muffin top.  Anything is possible!

Teen Tip #2–Problem Solving Ability

Forgot your keys?  Stayed out past curfew?  When the confines of your compact car become unbearable, consider climbing the roof.  Knock at your parent’s window.  They’ll be alternately concerned and disbelieving, but will be certain to invite you inside.

Possible application for middle-aged husbands?  Consider attempting the same routine at your wife’s window if you’ve had a fight with your beloved.  What woman could resist a man willing to take such a desperate risk to make amends?

Teen Tip #3–Ignore Common Sense Questions

You’re parents said it…and so have you.  “If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you?”  Live life and jump—especially on your 16th birthday!

Possible application for middle-aged parents?  Pray fervently.

All of these tips are the result of actual events and discussions.  More to follow…

 

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10. You would rather sleep than go out for a relaxing dinner with your husband.

9. Previously a fashion statement, scarves now camouflage everything from leaking breasts to baby spit up.

8. Eating something from the baby’s high chair tray qualifies as your lunch.

7. You wear slippers in the kitchen because you don’t have time to sweep the crumbs on the floor.

6. Your water bill doubles. Who knew a baby could create so much laundry?

5. You cry more than the baby does when she has her shots.

4. People you’ve never met will offer their parenting advice. “Oh, she has a flat head. You’re letting her sleep on her back too much.”

3. When friends visit, they have to request an instruction booklet to access the baby-proofed toilet–which, remarkably, only takes your baby a few minutes to figure out.

2. Now you understand how much your parents love you.

1. You’ve just met a miracle–and realize nothing this beautiful could happen without a loving God.

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=e70q3p4DTjk#t=32s

 

10. You automatically answer phone calls with the words,  “I expected to hear from you half an hour ago.”

9.   You can wrap a sprained ankle better than an athletic trainer.

8.  The nurses know your son so well that they ask to sign his cast.

7.  You purchase a security system to prevent “breakout’s”–not “break-in’s”.

6.  Other kids visit your home so often that you’ve considered charging general admission.

5.  You’ve learned to interpret grunts as a positive conversational response.

4.  Before sports season begins, you buy stock in Stick-ups and foot powder.

3.  You now know that spinning cookies in an abandoned parking lot is illegal.

2.  High school secretaries are known to contact parents when a “friend” calls to excuse the young man from class.

and the #1 sign that you’re the mother of a teenage boy….

1.  When you watch him nod off doing homework, you’re torn between tears of joy and sadness because the little boy has disappeared.

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What tigress is there that does not purr over her young ones, and fawn upon them in tenderness? —Saint Augustine

Trying desperately to hide the I-have-a-colicky-baby circles beneath my eyes, I applied the third layer of Cover Girl magic.  Not bad for three hours of sleep.  Moving to our full-length mirror, I turned first one direction and then another.  Suck it in, girl!  Inhaling, I tried to hide the remainder of my baby bump.  Oh, well.  At least we’re getting out.

After the 5-minute transfer of baby, car seat, blankets and diaper bag to the car, Dave and I grinned at each other.  Date night!  We hadn’t enjoyed “couple time” for a few months–the result of first time parents living thousands of miles from trusted grandmothers.  It took some charm and convincing on Dave’s part, but I had agreed to leave our 4-month old in the capable hands of childcare workers on the base for a couple of hours.

A little pizza joint was parked conveniently within minutes of the Navy gate and we ventured inside– giddy to have alone time together.  Sliding into the red, plastic booth I began the conversation.  “Do you think Ben is alright?”  I was consumed by baby thoughts–on this long-awaited date.  Ugh!

Twenty minutes later, the waitress stopped by our table.  But instead of delivering pizza, she delivered a message.  “The daycare lady is on the phone.”

“I got it,” Dave reassured me as he walked over to the business phone.

“We’ve got to get Ben,”  he said when he returned to me and my empty glass of soda–which had sucked down in my nervousness.  “He won’t stop crying.”

Tucking a box of uneaten pizza beneath an arm, Dave and I rushed the few miles to NAS Pensacola only to discover the gate was closed.  Dave teased, “I guess we’ll get him in the morning.”  I didn’t pick up on the joke–instead, it fed my fear.  Frantic that my helpless baby and I were separated by barbed wire, I decided nothing and nobody who would keep me from my baby!  A fifteen-foot fence?  An armed officer standing duty?  Not a chance.

Shoving the car door open, I sprinted to the fence and–in all of my post-baby glory–scurried to the top of that metal barrier like a commando on a night raid.

“Tammy!  Tammy!”  Dave’s voice just penetrated my world.  “I’m kidding, hon.  There’s another gate.”

A few minutes later we pulled up to the daycare center.  I had transformed from Navy-seal-wannabe to packing-a-few-extra-pounds-new-mommy.  It can happen.

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